


Falling

by TheTimeTravellingHufflepuff



Series: 30 Days Of Shenko [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:09:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17463794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimeTravellingHufflepuff/pseuds/TheTimeTravellingHufflepuff
Summary: Falling down was dead easy.





	Falling

Falling down was dead easy. A stone to trip you, a hard push, to much booze. Falling don was way too easy.

Falling asleep used to be just as easy. Before the Skyllian Blitz, before Akuze, before Eden Prime. After that... not so much. But it still was quite simple; it just needed a little more time, a little more pills, a little more trashing around in his bed. Falling asleep wasn't that difficult.

Falling in love, on the hand, was damn hard. Or maybe it was in love that was so complicated. The falling part had been easy, in retrospect. Accepting that he was actually in love, recognizing the feeling blooming in his heart, has been torture. Realizing it as he had to choose which crewmates to save on Virmire had been one of the worst moments of his not-so-easy life. He had always hated losing teammates but Ash's death had been the worst so far. Firstly because she had become a real good friend in the months he had known her, but it was mainly because she died so Kaidan would live.

Falling in love was the worst thing to have ever happened to him. The worst and the best. The scariest too.

He had been scared shitless from the moment he understood that he was in love with his lieutenant. Scared of his desire to say "Fuck you" to the regs about fraternization. Scared of losing Kaidan. Scared of Kaidan laughing to his face if he ever told him what he was feeling.

Scared of Kaidan coming to him and confessing his own feelings.

But fear had always been the fuel that kept him going, so he effectively said "fuck you" to the regs and dived right into a love affair with his lieutenant.

Then he died and came back from the dead.

Falling apart was even easier than simply falling down. Kaidan had just needed to look at him as he was a stranger and call him a traitor for him to fall to pieces. Never before had he felt so much pain, so much despair. Being spaced had nothing on losing the one you loved, on watching him turn his back to you, on having him refusing to listen to you, to even look at you.

Falling apart was the easiest and most painful thing there was.

Falling to the bottom of a bottle had seemed like the best idea at the time; at least it helped with falling asleep. Unfortunately, it also helped with falling down the stairs or falling in bed with strangers (or not-so-strangers in the case of Jack; twice). What it didn't help with was mending his broken heart.

He expected, hoped really, to fall on the battlefield; just to stop hurting. But he wasn't so lucky.

Then the galaxy started falling under the Reapers' attack while he was imprisoned, and he fell right back into the fight, Kaidan once again by his side; until the major fell prey to a killing robot and nearly died right before his eyes.

He fell silent for the next two days until they made it to the Citadel.

Falling asleep was now nearly impossible. Every time he closed his eyes, all he saw was Kaidan crashing on the hard martian soil, his head bashed by the doctor Eva Core.

He thought of going back to bury his pain in a bottle or a warm body, but he had cleaned up his act after the Collectors' base and he didn't want to fall back into his old demons.

Luckily, Kaidan soon regained consciousness and was ready to talk to him, and at least try to be friends again. It wasn't what he had hoped for, but it still was better than nothing.

It was good. Until Udina and his attempted coup. Until he was forced to look down the barrel of Kaidan's pistol. Until he, himself, had to point a gun at the man for whom he fell so hard all those years ago.

But then, everything fell back in place. And it was finally all right. He was all right. More so, he was great despite the war. Despite the destruction and the death. He was great because Kaidan was back by his side, back in his arms.

Falling in love was hard and painful, but he didn't regret it one second.


End file.
